When I Grow Up

Hi everyone!

     I have a feeling that my thoughts in this piece could be thoughts that many of you may also share, but are often afraid to say out loud, but if one is going to live a bold and authentic life, then one has to be willing to take chances.  While I haven't posted as frequently in the past year on my site, I have been writing pretty much nonstop, a welcome problem to have when you are a writer.  In the process I guess I have found peace with myself and my life and I think guess it's time now share these things with the world.  So welcome to my world!

     “Jen, have you decided what you want to be when you grow up?” An unusual question for a 52 year old woman, but never the less, an honest attempt by one of my dearest friends to help me on my quest for clarity in my life.  It’s not that I have been wandering aimlessly for all this time, it’s just that my life has seen its share of bumps and detours in the road.  I joked when I turned 50 and would tell people “Life began at 50” and indeed it actually seemed like it did. 

     

For whatever reason, with my “coming of age” I found that I was finally comfortable in my own skin.  Like the bumble bee, who technically shouldn’t be able to fly, I have beaten the odds on several occasions.  So to celebrate, I had my friend Jordan Wade create a beautiful bumble bee so that I could embrace this milestone in my life.  Armed with a photo of the design and my best friend by my side off we went and at 50 years young I got my first tattoo.  It was THE coolest and most invigorating thing I have EVER done!  My two oldest kids embraced their creative, crazy, writing mom’s new carefree spirit…my youngest son, at 15, decided he needed to take on the role of my parent.  Awe, now it’s my time to drive my kids crazy!!  But with this new sense of adventure, I have also found a sense of acceptance for myself.  I have raised three incredible kids, but now it is time for me to settle into the quiet that comes as the empty nest grows near and really examine what I want to do for me. 

  

What exactly do I want to be when I grow up?

     The funny thing about all of this is that I have spent the past 17 years as a college professor helping young adults find their way, and yet I still have not quite aligned the compass of my life with my North Star.  As I went through my first draft of this assignment I thought it was good enough, but on careful examination what I discovered is that I hadn’t identified what I wanted to be when I grew up, but rather the type of person or bashert or soulmate I wished to have in my life.  Yes, at 52 years young, a girl can still dream of a happily ever after.  And so I stilled my mind and surroundings.  I sat in my peaceful writing cottage and I let my quaint statuary wrap itself around the question. 

     Finally, after all this time I gave myself permission to answer what seemed to be tucked away in my soul.  Isn’t it funny how often times as moms we don’t allow ourselves to dream?  Well, I guess this isn’t limited to just moms.  Maybe it’s more of a “chronic people pleaser” “looking out for everyone else in the world” “always putting others first” kind of thing. As I took a deep breath and looked around me at the quite place of escape and source of inspiration that I have created I also came to realize that I have settled into life.  This of course is not the same as “settling” for less than we deserve or hope for, but rather reaching a place of comfort and acceptance with where our journey has led us.  I see my North Star, that place where I know God is calling me, my compass is pointing in the right direction now.  A place where I can offer this second half of my life every ounce of my being.  I have discovered that what I want to be when I grow up has been at the very center of my being my whole life.  While most people my age dream of retiring, I dream of teaching and publishing my books and opening my own shop.  While some people are gearing down, I feel like I am just getting started. 

 

     I have spent a life time creating beautiful things, cooking for family and friends, writing and dancing and singing through the good times and the not so good moments.  The difference now is I want to take this cornucopia of things that have molded me into the woman I am today and use my gifts of creativity and compassion and encouragement to help others who are also trying to figure out what they want to be when they grow up.  I hope as I blaze down these new trails that my documentation of my own journey will allow others to lighten their load.  I want to bring light and joy and hope to those in my little corner of the world. 

  

    

     What I came to realize as I allowed myself the opportunity to complete this homework that my friend bestowed upon me is that what I wanted to be when I grew up was really a place where I have always been, but have never stopped to write it on my life map.  Or maybe I was so busy trying to figure out what the world thought I should be that I never took the time to give myself permission to just be me. 

     When I grow up, for as long as I have breath on this earth, I want to create beautiful things to share with the world so that when I come in contact with people, even on their darkest days, I might help them, if only for a brief moment, feel the sunshine!

Until next time...

Finding Forgiveness

Hi everyone!

Well I decided to tackle the topic of forgiveness today.  I have to say this is a tough one!!  It is a quite lengthy post, because it is such a tough topic.  Why am I looking at this so soon?  Well since the writers before me all talk about the topic and the need to reach this place before my life can truly move on, I felt the time was now.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not so naive as to think one blog post will solve this, but life is too short to be stuck in a valley and let the wrong doings of one keep me from moving forward.  So I first looked at what scripture had to say about the topic.  This led me to The Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6:9-15.

"This, then, is how you should pray: " 'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name,  your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.  Give us today our daily bread.  Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.  And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. ' For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

I understand and I do want the Lord to forgive me when I sin, because we all sin, but I cannot help but struggle with what exactly is forgiveness.  Does this mean you just pat someone on the back like a buddy and send them on their way to wreak havoc in someone else’s life?  Given my love of research, I wanted to explore this further and thought I would start with the definition of forgiveness - “to stop feeling anger toward.”   Wait a minute, now I am getting somewhere.  Pastor Rick Warren then really helped me investigate this a little further. 

“There are a lot of bad things in life that are evil. Not everything that happens in this world is God’s will, but that’s why we need God in our lives. So forgiveness isn’t forgetting what happened, it’s about finding what good came out of it.”

“What good came out of it” – I am assuming the “it” in this case means the evil.  He goes on further to say that “Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves that allows us to get on with our lives instead of being trapped in the past by resentment.”  Wait, did he just say “gift”???  And isn’t my birthday in 2 days???  So this means that I could possibly give myself THE BEST gift(s) ever??!!!

So what are the gifts that I have received from this “life lesson”?

1) I have gotten to observe just how blessed I am with the incredible friends and family in my life.  These are the TRUE friends and family, not someone just pretending to be.

2) I have also seen once again that God protects His children.

3) God has also shown me that this was NOT about me.  Sometimes bad things happen to good people. As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, God can bring people in to our lives for good, but the other person has free will to choose what God has planned or to throw it away. 

4) Sometimes “the enemy” can use those closest to us to keep us from fulfilling all that God has planned for our lives.  But God will take care of this too.  Forgiving will allow me to go where God wants me to.

Joan Lunden once said that “Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth.  Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.”  WAIT A MINUTE – STOP THE BUS!!!  Forgiveness is a GIFT AND will make me look better too!!  Why yes, this is true because my laughter and smile has returned and there is a spring in my step!!  Happy Early Birthday to me yet again!!!

Maya Angelou wrote “You can’t forgive without loving.  And I don’t mean sentimentality.  I don’t mean mush.  I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, ‘I forgive.  I’m finished with it.’”  The key phrase being “I’m finished with it” and what exactly is the “it”?  For me “it” means having the courage to stand up and say “I am finished with being taken advantage of and used,” not just for my sake but for my children as well.

Well Gerald Jampolsky says that “Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness.  Forgiveness is letting go of the past, and is therefore the means for correcting our misperceptions. “  So, the “it” were also my misperceptions and as Jane Austen so eloquently put it “Selfishness must always be forgiven you know, because there is no hope for a cure.”  No matter how hard we might try, we cannot help those with a selfish spirit – there is no cure, so me must forgive and move on.  Tyler Perry knows himself, “It’s not an easy journey, to get to a place where you forgive people.  But it is such a powerful place, because it frees you.”  

Courage, Freedom, Laughter, Peace, Power…just a few more gifts that forgiveness is giving me!!  The poet Clarissa Pinkole Estes wrote the following.

“How does one know she has forgiven?  You tend to feel sorrow over the circumstance instead of rage, you tend to feel sorry for the person rather than angry with him.  You tend to have nothing left to say about it at all.”

I think this is so vitally important and sums this up so perfectly!  I can forgive and yet feel sorrow.  God gave someone such an amazing gift - a home, a Godly wife, and unconditional love, but they chose not to accept or cherish that gift, for this I can feel sorry for him.  And while I approach midlife and find myself surrounded with the most amazing group of family and friends, and I know how truly blessed I am, he feels friendless.  That is incredibly sad, but something that happens when one has spent their life trampling on the hearts of those who have loved him.

Author Lewis B. Smedes said that “You will know the forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.”   Because if he could not find love and home with me, as he approached the latter part of life then you can only hope that he finds it before his time here on this earth is done.  I wish him well on his journey and pray for all of those in his path.

Though the MOST precious gift that I will ever receive this year is the PEACE of knowing that I did all that God ever asked me to do as a wife and while that may not have been good enough, God has blessed me beyond measure with the people that I do have in my life.  I forgive because I am not going to waste the life that I have been blessed with on anger.  God taught me a long time ago that He will take care of those who hurt us and betray us, so I will let Him handle the rest.

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet shed on the heel that has crushed it.” ~ Mark Twain